| it feels good |
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| 12:25am 24/04/2006 |
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mood:  excited music: bright eyes-waste of paint
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to be able to confide in a friend. thanks jayson. :) |
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| it's alright to tell me |
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| 11:38pm 10/04/2006 |
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please pray tonight for my dad. they said if he went in the hospital one more time, he would get put on a pacemaker. he went in today and they put a tube in his stomach. thanks. |
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| digital bath... |
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| 12:41am 02/04/2006 |
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mood:  anxious music: kanye west- gold digga
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i left my usb cord at katy's AGAIN. arg. today i was told to go to mumbai, india. my step-cousin jennifer took a business trip there and said it changed her life. i barely know jennifer but for some reason i started spilling out some of my hopes and dreams to her at courtney's baby shower. i told her that i wanted to see the whole world. i feel silly saying that. granny told me she always wanted to go to sydney. i said i would take her there. she'll be 80 on april 24 and apparently after you get that old, travelling isn't fun anymore. oh how i miss paw paw. he always made it so easy for me to be antisocial when it came to family gatherings. it's so easy to feel out of place. i offered to babysit courtney's new baby, jade ivonne, but i doubt she'll take me up on that offer. i really don't care for that name and when she said that, i felt nostalgic. i wish everything didn't remind me of an ex. it makes me want to lock myself in my room. i know, moving on, yadda yadda yadda. i can honestly say i have. i just hate having it brought up all the time, even on accident. i think the main reason i'm still affected is because when things don't work out, i label them as failures. failing at things sucks. especially when you wish they would have worked out at the time. then i have all this emotional baggage which makes me think i'm not even suitable to date anyone. it really isn't that important right now. having someone like you is just a nice distraction from the sometimes lame monotony of everyday life. it's already april, guys! ahhh prom is just about 3 weeks away and graduation is two months away. i cannot wait! in 3 weeks, i get my response from u of h so cross your fingers for me. :) the college life is just what i need. |
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| la dee da |
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| 05:26pm 31/03/2006 |
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mood:  apathetic music: girl-beck
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today was journalism day at san jac. same uselessness as last year. then i took suhey and her sister home. they live very far away. but i got $10 to spend on something nice for myself. hell yeah. katy said the 3 minutes were not even that great. ;) tonight i have the youth rally at the uptight church. god forbid there be any drums. but at least i get to see ajay be a rock star. well i think i'm going to go work on my abs and complain with katy. woot. |
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| down with the sickness.. |
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| 09:42pm 30/03/2006 |
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mood:  refreshed music: how bizarre- omc
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i'm not going to lie. my stomach has been hurting but i decided yesterday i didn't want to go to school today.. why is that? i have no idea. with my sociology grade depending on my project due today, i am watching mrs. doubtfire. it reminds me of my sister. so i will sit and watch and smile. :) |
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| am i wrong? |
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| 03:27pm 29/03/2006 |
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mood:  numb music: the faint- southern belles in london sing
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sometimes i feel claustrophobic in my own skin. lately (and by lately i mean the past few months), i sit and think of how it would be, to be somebody else, somewhere else. i hate sounding all "teen angsty" but it's just how things are. i've fallen into a routine and it's getting old. but it seems as if every single day is the same but not. the only thing i'm happy about is that i'm jobless. i know i need a job but i think i'd rather hang myself than go crawling back to denny's. the free time is good because i can relax but it does give me too much time to think. and for anyone that knows me, you know that's a bad thing. i want to start over but i'm afraid to go too far. i'm afraid to be completely alone. |
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| and i can't sleep.... |
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| 01:52am 27/03/2006 |
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mood:  confused music: michelle branch- are you happy now?
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yet again, i was wrong about someone. it's terribly unfortunate. i'm actually going to write what i'm feeling because i see no point in hiding. i thought Joe was different. i thought he wouldn't want to hurt me. that's my bad. am i really that unbearable? i'm not sad... that's not the word. i'm disappointed. not even in him, but in me. i wanted to be a part of something real and i wanted him to like me more than he probably did. all i get all the time is "Mary, it isn't you". if it isn't me, then why is it everyone i've ever felt a connection to leave me? i try not to let my longing for companionship rule my life. i know other things are more important. i'm just tired of having my heart broken. on an upnote, i'm in the process of applying to the u of h honors college. wish me luck. a lack of a social life will leave me plenty of study time. i'm done for now. |
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| i need to get over it. i know. |
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| 11:45pm 13/09/2005 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: you'll think of me- keith urban
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I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m.
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been trying my best to get along
But that's okay there's nothing left to say but.
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me.
I went out driving, trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been.
So.
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me.
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life.
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me.
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me.
And you're gonna think of me
Oh, someday baby, someday... |
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| it's been a a hellova long time... |
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| 09:34pm 27/07/2005 |
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mood: numb music: seinfeld theme song
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i hate how i always put something like that as my subject line, but it's always true and well... i'm not very original. anyways... summer is hitting an end and it's somewhat of a sour note. after having my teeth pulled, my face hurts and these past few months reflect only regret. i know, i know, i'm young and i'm allowed my screwups but i feel so alone in my virtues. i just feel like i'm stuck in place and i have no way of moving forward. |
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| update from kory's house |
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| 08:10pm 04/01/2005 |
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kristi and i are very good at being sneaky sneaky. haha. not much to say except today was my first day back at soho. it was pretty cool. i have lunch with ivanna, ricardo, kristi and cecilia. i have friends in a lot of my classes except for 6th, which i was supposed to have francisco in but he checked out. *sighs* nothing much else to say. life is good. peace. |
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| also stole this from shanna's lj and i expect comments or you're off my friends list.... |
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| 03:13pm 23/12/2004 |
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mood:  sore music: the new jojo song
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ok, i lied. but our online friendship may never recover :D
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:
[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you fuck me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you? |
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| ugh. |
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| 09:49pm 21/12/2004 |
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mood:  pessimistic music: wonderwall- oasis
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something is very very wrong. something is off and everything seems to be SUCKING. i don't like how christmas is now. everyone is so selfish, myself included. i can't wait til' the holiday perks up. i have to wake up early tomorrow and piece everything together.
i. need. a. job. |
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| 04:04pm 16/12/2004 |
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mood: pensive music: Mary Jane meowing
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If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...
You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close.
You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin.
Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain.
You are the blood in my veins.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
I really feel like crap for hurting you... None of this is fake, but I do it for myself. I will always remember you and love you for what you were to me. I make no mistakes and only time can tell how I'm going to end up.
I'll miss all my homies at PMHS. Keep fighting the good fight.
I'm moving along, protecting my love and holding everyone close to me.
I'm so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick.
Happy holidays, everyone! May all your wishes come true. |
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| ahhh |
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| 09:38pm 05/12/2004 |
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mood: cynical music: a decade under the influence- taking back sunday
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i know i've been going a little bit crazy recently. ok... maybe a lot crazy but i don't think i'm doing anything wrong. i mean, seriously. let me think. ok... so my friend, i don't know if she wants to be anymore or not, there's nothing i can do anyways, she got all mad because i supposedly left her out, which i didn't. i just flew by the seat of my pants while making plans (which i do often) and didn't invite her. i just didn't think about it. so i asked her if she wanted to do something else the next night and she's like not anymore. but i hadn't left her out. i wanted her to hang out with me on friday. why wouldn't i have? when she only wanted to go with me to the other place, i got all mad because i felt like i was only good for a ride. oh wait, that's right, i am. i forgot. i'm useful because i have a car. i'm ok with that though. and today my other friend called me and was like hey you want to hang out and i was like i'm busy right now but i can take you to church with me. so i show up to pick her up and i had this great plan mapped out in my mind that she had already agreed to. so i show up and she's like let's pick up my friend to go shopping. and i oblige, even though i never agreed to it. so we went and i got upset over something else, which is now resolved, and i was getting ready to drop off her friend. so my friend gets out of the car too and is like you seem mad, i'll just stay here. screw that, i totally wasted my time. see? i told you. taxi. it is my fault. bleh. at least, some things are ok, i got lemon pound cake today. it was almost worth the uselessness of this weekend. by the way, i also got "let go" from my job. that's cool. it doesn't anger me at all, just gives me free time and yay! i don't have to listen to those annoying customers explain to me the difference between sweet cream yogurt and sinless sweet cream. hah. GET A LIFE! well, i gotta roll out.
two more weeks 'til christmas break. there's nothing i want more.
.... well maybe something....
April 16th to be exact.
i need to buy some christmas presents... if you want me to get you something... post on this entry and tell me what you want. if it's cheap and you're cute, i'll consider it. hah.
dinosaur THIS! |
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| stole this from shanna's lj |
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| 08:08pm 25/11/2004 |
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mood:  mischievous music: takes my pain away- jimmy eat world
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If I were a month I would be: February
If I were a day of the week I would be: Thursday
If I were a time of day I would be: 6:30 pm
If I were a planet I would be: Venus
If I were a sea animal I would be: a clam
If I were a direction I would be: Northeast
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: an ottoman
If I were a sin I would be: impatience
If I were a historical figure I would be: Cleopatra
If I were a liquid I would be: cold water
If I were a stone, I would be: sapphire
If I were a tree, I would be: a pine
If I were a bird, I would be: a Penguin
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a white rose
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: misty rain
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a harp
If I were an animal, I would be: a cat
If I were a color, I would be: hot pink
If I were an emotion, I would be: apathy
If I were a vegetable, I would be: a tomato
If I were a sound, I would be: BING!
If I were an element, I would be: air
If I were a car, I would be: my car
If I were a song, I would be: Spiderwebs- No Doubt
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Sofia Coppola
If I were a book, I would be written by: Chuck Palaniuk
If I were a food, I would be: cherry jell-o
If I were a place, I would be: Mount Rushmore
If I were a material, I would be: satin
If I were a taste, I would be: powdered sugar
If I were a scent, I would be: dusty books
If I were a word, I would be: tacky
If I were an object, I would be: a spoon
If I were a body part I would be: an ear
If I were a facial expression I would be: a smirk or an exaggerated wink
If I were a subject in school I would be: algebra
If I were a cartoon character I would be: dot from the animaniacs
If I were a shape I would be a: rhombus
If I were a number I would be: 14
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! |
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| verses and verses of lies you never told... |
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| 12:15am 23/11/2004 |
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mood:  weird music: decade under the influence- taking back sunday
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things are going better now. i had a fine weekend and i found someone who treats me well and isn't full of bs like (almost) everyone else who feels the need to lie to my face for no reason... but it doesn't matter. i put in for my transfer. i'll be glad to leave. i've been needing a change to get out of this stupor.
you mean a lot to me... but that doesn't mean i'm different from everyone else, i'm still capable of hurting you...
but i'm willing to try. |
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| ah stupid colons... |
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| 08:22pm 08/11/2004 |
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mood:  drained music: take it away- the used
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It's alright to tell me
What you think about me
I won't try to argue
Or hold it against you,
I know that you're leaving,
You must have your reasons,
The season is calling
Your pictures are falling down
The steps that I retrace
The sad look on your face
The timing and structure
Did you hear he fucked her?
A day late, a buck short
I'm writing the report
On losing and failing
When I move I'm flailing now
And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan,
But everybodys is gone,
And I've been here for too long
To face this of my own
Well I guess this is growing up...
Well I guess this is growing up
And maybe I'll see you
At a movie sneak preview
you'll show up and walk by
On the arm of that guy
And I'll smile and you'll wave
We'll pretend it's okay
The charade it won't last
When he's gone, I won't come back
It'll happen once again,
You'll turn to a friend
Someone who understands
Sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone
And you've been here for too long
To face this on your own
Well I guess this is growing up
Well I guess this is growing up |
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